WARNING! DISTURBING IMAGES TO FOLLOW!
Humans are like goats. We'll eat any damned thing. Just ask the people who make PowerBars.
In fact, you'll find foods in this world that don't even seem possible. Not just that they could exist, but that people would actually stick this stuff in their mouths without a gun to their head.
I've found six dishes that seemed to have sprung from Satan's own cookbook...
#6. Escamoles
From:
Mexico
What the hell is it?
Escamoles are the eggs of the giant black Liometopum ant, which makes its home in the root systems of maguey and agave plants. Collecting the eggs is a uniquely unpleasant job, since the ants are highly venomous and have some kind of blood grudge against human orifices.
The eggs have the consistency of cottage cheese. The most popular way to eat them is in a taco with guacamole, while being f'ing insane.
Wait, it gets worse...
Escamoles have a surprisingly pleasant taste: buttery and slightly nutty. This hugely increases the chances that, while in Mexico, you could eat them without realizing you are eating a taco full of f'ing ant eggs.
Danger of this turning up in America:
I'm not sure Taco Bell hasn't snuck this crap into their food already. Just make sure you know what's in that burrito. Ask at the counter if you have to. Also, watch those ads close because they'll try to dress it up in some kind of friendly-sounding, pseudo-Mexican name.
#5. Casu Marzu
From:
Sardinia, Italy
What the hell is it?
This, dear reader, is a medium-sized lump of Sweet F'ing Christ. Casu Marzu is a sheep's milk cheese that has been deliberately infested by a Piophila casei, the "cheese fly." The result is a maggot-ridden, weeping stink bomb in an advanced state of decomposition.
Its translucent larvae are able to jump about 6 inches into the air, making this the only cheese that requires eye protection while eating. The taste is strong enough to burn the tongue, and the larvae themselves pass through the stomach undigested, sometimes surviving long enough to breed in the intestine, where they attempt to bore through the walls, causing vomiting and bloody diarrhea.
Wait, it gets worse...
This cheese is a delicacy in Sardinia, where it is illegal. That's right. It is illegal in the only place where people actually want to eat it. If this does not communicate a very clear message, perhaps the larvae will, as they leap desperately toward your face in an effort to escape the putrescent horror of the only home they have ever known. Even the cheese itself is ashamed; when prodded, it weeps an odorous liquid called lagrima, Sardinian for "tears."
Danger of this turning up in America:
There is significant danger here, as I'm thinking the cheese companies have a lot of maggot stock in the back of their warehouse they'd like to get rid of. And, there may actually be a market for it. Self-loathing is a powerful force in this economy (see the diet section of your local supermarket) and there's times you get low enough that, damn it, you feel like you deserve nothing better than infested cheese.
#4. Lutefisk
From:
Norway
What the hell is it?
Ahhh, Lutefisk. After the larvae-ridden cheese, it's a blessed relief to sample a clean, down-to-earth Scandinavian recipe.
A little too clean.
Lutefisk is a traditional Norwegian dish featuring cod that has been steeped for many days in a solution of lye, until its flesh is caustic enough to dissolve silver cutlery.
Wait, it gets worse...
For those of you who don't know, lye (potassium hydroxide/sodium hydroxide) is a powerful industrial chemical used for cleaning drains, killing plants, de-budding cow horns, powering batteries and manufacturing biodiesel. Contact with lye can cause chemical burns, permanent scarring, blindness or total deliciousness, depending on whether you pour it onto a herring or your own face. Or, so the lutefisk industry would have us believe.
Danger of this turning up in America:
IT'S ALREADY HERE!
It's true, lutefisk is more popular in the United States than in Norway. What the hell are they doing with it? They're not eating it are they? Is it because it' a cheap alternative to colonic irrigation? Seriously, how do you advertise this stuff?
#3. Baby Mice Wine
From:
Korea
What the hell is it?
What better to wash down your gelatinous lumps of lye fish than a nice chilled cup of dead mice? What better indeed.
Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean "health tonic," which apparently tastes like raw gasoline. Little mice, eyes still closed, are plucked from the embrace of their loving mothers and stuffed (while still alive) into a bottle of rice wine. They are left to ferment while their parents wring their tiny mouse paws in despair, tears drooping sadly from the tips of their whiskers.
Wait, it gets worse...
Do you wince at the thought of swallowing a tequila worm? Imagine how you'd feel during a session on this bastard. Whoops, I swallowed a dead mouse! Whoops, there goes another one! Whoops, I just puked my entire body out of my nose!
Danger of this turning up in America:
Who are you going to find in America that' OK with drinking dead fetus juice as a way to improve their own health? OK, other than lawyers.
#2. Pacha
From:
Iraq
What the hell is it?
Of all the dishes, this is the one most likely to be mistaken for a threatening message from the mob. It's a sheep's head. Boiled.
Wait, it gets worse...
Pacha only reveals its terror gradually. Sure, maybe you can get around the fact that you're eating face. But, the more you eat it, the more bone is revealed, until you give a final burp and set your cutlery down beside a grinning ivory skull. Its hollow eye sockets stare back at you with a look of grim damnation. "Burp while ye may," the sockets say, "for the same fate will happen to you--and all too soon."
We wonder why the Iraqis keep blowing themselves up? Wouldn't you, if every evening meal was a festival of death?
Danger of this turning up in America:
Not looking like that, it won't. But, you tell people that sheep head contains some kind of enzyme that boosts your metabolism and...
#1. Balut
From:
The Philippines
What the hell is it?
Behold, for our journey of horror reaches its destination. Balut are duck eggs that have been incubated until the fetus is all feathery and beaky, and then boiled alive. The bones give the eggs a uniquely crunchy texture.
They are enjoyed in Cambodia, Philippines and the fifth and seventh levels of hell. They are typically sold by street vendors at night, out of buckets of warm sand. You can spot the vendors because of their glowing red eyes, and the faint, otherworldly sound of children screaming.
Wait, it gets worse...
...Because you're never going to look at an egg the same way. Tell yourself that every time you crack open an egg from now on you won't be half expecting a leathery wad of bird to come flopping out into the skillet. Go ahead. I didn't think so.
Yes, balut is upsetting on about a half-dozen levels. Sure, all meat eaters know on some level that the delicious chop on your plate used to belong to something cute and fluffy, which gamboled in the sun during the brief spring of its life. Most of the time, it's perfectly possible not to give a damn. But, when you're biting into something that hasn't even had a chance to see its mother's face ... well, it's different.
Danger of this turning up in America:
Actually, marketed properly, these eggs could be a damn good motivator. When you've looked death in the face at breakfast time, what the hell else can the day throw at you?
Portal
Shop
Chat
